An Address from the President

of somewhere hopefully far away...

Good Evening Citizens,

I sincerely hope you all have been well. We have been swamped here in the capitol. Iceland is melting, Tucson has frozen over, it’s far too peaceful in the Middle East, and as always… it is flooding in Texas.

The first lady and I have been out on our annual tour inspecting Costcos to make sure they have all put out their Christmas offering. It is mid-October, after all. It also served as a wonderful time to work on our anti-inflation policies by ensuring that the corporate putsch to raise the price of the hot dog to $2.46 was put down in its infancy. It’s best not to allow such things as “ensuring the long-term sustainability of the product and company” to get in the way of such an important inflation-fighting tool. I’m proud to have achieved that for you, dear citizen.

We are nearing the time when I find out if I have served you well enough to keep my post as your Chief Executive. Yes, that’s right, statistically 8th-grade level reader. I’m having my team draft this letter to do my best to explain why you are smart enough to vote in your best interest. This is a very easy thing to do. On your paper, use an ink-putter to fill in the round thing next to the only man who can Get It Done (TM). William J. Boogerflick.

My team is informing me that you need to be reminded of the things I have done over the past term. I think that’s hilarious because my achievements speak for themselves. Seriously. I had each of them provisioned with ChatGPT to make sure. Nevertheless, I will recount them, because they are important.

3 years ago, we suffered 30% more school, hospital, and bar-based gun violence as a nation. This was entirely due to my predecessor’s failure to do what had to be done on gun violence. Through the inaction of former President De Wrinkle and the incompetence of his party, the other guys, this country had failed to take appropriate action. On my first day in office, my congress passed a landmark resolution to finally do something about this. The bill saw fervent pushback from the contested house after it flew through the Senate, but we made some compromises and Got It Done (TM). Promises made, promises kept, America. Its just Common Sense Gun Control.

The past 2 years have continued the trend of massively increasing costs. Many are feeling financial insecurity and are tightening their belts more than they ever thought they could. That’s why my administration opposes inflation. It is an ugly thing that destroys homes, boats, and sometimes our very will to endure. You can count on me, America, to continue to oppose inflation at every turn until prices stabilize, or until I no longer seek re-election. You don’t have a more adamant opponent of inflation than Billy Boogerflick. I promise you that.

Medical care is now almost as difficult to keep for our families as my last wife. Boy was she a real boat anchor. Ask the 4th lady yourself! That’s why my administration has worked so hard to address the underlying issues at the core of heightened medical costs. It shook me to my core to find that no other sitting president had attempted such a comprehensive and effective solution. Thanks to the support of my party’s senators and representatives who voted in your stead, we took fresh and bold new steps to address this issue head-on. I am excited to sign the final version of this landmark achievement sometime next year if I am lucky enough to be elected to complete it.

We have too many medical costs, but do you know what we don’t have enough of?

Yep. You guessed it. Economies.

There aren’t enough economies to go around these days. I have been asking the best economants in our great land how to get more, and most of them immediately showed their true colors. Some said, “Do you mean improve the economy”? Others told me, “I’m not sure what you mean”. Traitors all, in the name of our great country. A land of opportunity should have a lot of economies. Both my predecessor and my opponent wouldn’t shut up about improving the one they had. Just one! I promised you many economies and improvements to all of them! I have directed the Federal Reserve to engage in quantitative easing for the 5th time this year to ensure minimum adequate funding for our greatest purchase of economies yet! We have developed fantastic partnerships, foreign and domestic, to deliver these bold and fresh economies over the next 14 months. Boogerflick delivers, yet again, for the American people!

America is ridden with veritable salvos of 3rd rail issues stemming from social developments and intricacies involving whom people can marry, how they choose to present and identify, and how they wish to raise their children. These issues are important, and that is why you, citizen, should not be burdened with their stewardship. Good news for you though, and even better, congratulations for selecting me to handle this in your stead. I was prepared, then as I am now, to stand before those who would tell us all that we cannot live their lives the way we want, free from the prejudice of those who would dare tell us to get off their lawns. I will be there for you, so you don’t have to. I promise you that, dear citizen.

Those who oppose us sought to keep America bloody, battered, and bruised. They had a vision of the country that saw your children living in a brass-littered hellscape where those hot dogs you like cost over $3 and you can’t pass laws to control the insidious and persistent evils plaguing our land. A vote for the other guys is a vote for an eternity void of good, caring lawmakers to make your dreams happen NOW. The other guys will ensure nothing is left after they tear our great Democracy apart other than that debilitating headache before that first Don Julio 1942, or whatever that thing you like in the morning is.

Vote good. Vote better. Vote Boogerflick.

Use promo code “BOOGER” at the ballot box for 4 free years of peace, freedom, and prosperity. Offer good through November 5th, or whenever the Florida recount gets me elected.

God Bless you all, and God Bless America.